By now you’ve probably heard the ingenious (note sarcasm) new technological development of the catholic church™, which comes to us in the form of an Iphone and Ipad application. This new app is salvation… wait for it… at your fingertips!
Yes, ladies and gents. For a small sum you can buy back your soul. (Kidding–you’re never getting that one back.)
What you do get in exchange for your $1.99 is the all-wonderful Confession App. For the non-catholic peeps out there, let me tell you how confession works: you go into a private and dimly-lit room where the priest is waiting to hear your confession. You kneel down and confess all the things you’ve done “wrong”, and I use that term lightly because, really, wrong for whom? Popular subjects brought up in confession include, but are not limited to: premarital sex, impure thoughts, cussing, and touching thy own body (because how dare you). So pretty much the simple act of being an 18 year old with hormones guarantees damnation. I must add that while you tell your stories, share your regrets and unload your guilt the priest pretends to give exactly two flying fucks about what you’re saying. Most aren’t very good at pretending. A lot don’t even try.
For some people the moment of confession is very spiritual, and they view it as the admittance of one’s faults in order to regain ease of mind and tranquility in their soul. While I think it sad how these people still believe they need approval from and external someone who doesn’t give a shit about them to be at peace, I shall steer from that topic entirely for the time being. We have more important matters to discuss!
In case you happen to be a by-the-rules catholic and have been worrying your pretty little head about if this app is
cult church-approved, fear not. Since the Confession app is SO TRANSCENDENTALLY FUNDAMENTAL TO THE WELL-BEING OF HUMANITY one bishop has been quick to bless the app.
Yes, the app is blessed. Well if that doesn’t give you peace of mind nothing else will.
I could go on and on making jokes about the app and its futility, but it has all been said under this piece written by The Guardian, in which a reader loquaciously commented, “A Catholic Church app? Does that automatically search your contacts file, and send the details of all male contacts under 18 to your priest?” Touche.
The catholic church™ assures that this is merely a way in which they are trying to keep up with ever-changing times. Well that’s where we should have started! But church, you’re doing it wrong. If you allow me, here is my little contribution to your cause pro-modernization. I will show you real ways of keeping up with the times. YOU’RE WELCOME.
WAYS IN WHICH THE CATHOLIC CHURCH SHOULD
STOP FUCKING AROUND KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES by Caro
1) Condemn and persecute those within you who abuse children.
I can’t believe we’re still arguing this one, church. Seriously? I’ll make it real simple this time.
Here is a detailed Venn diagram of the elements that contribute to children being sexually abused by priests:
Please note carefully that when priests and children, um, overlap (and pardon the disgusting, sickening pun) abuse tends to occur.
Now, here is a comprehensive and exhaustive Venn diagram with my suggested fool-proof solution:
That wasn’t too hard now, was it? Just keep your dirty priests away from children, and abuse shall occur no more.
2) Allow the use of condoms. For everyone.
Did you know that not only prostitutes and homosexual men can get sick and/or transmit STDs? Other kinds of people can, too! Mind-boggling, I know, but I swear on baby Jesus I’m not lying; it’s all true. Condoms have been around for 400 hundred years. Four-hundred! And as discouraging as it is that in this day and age there are still people who hang to the church’s every word to know when it’s ok to pick their nose, the church is being unfair to them and playing Russian roulette with their lives. Why is it so important to oppose the use of condoms? Because the church claims to teach sexual morality.
Now go back and read problem #1 again?
That is all.
3) Become a real and proactive example of the love for the poor.
We can fly to the moon, we investigate alternate universes and we can have religious experiences through our computer-phone… but people are still dying from simple lack of food? All the while, the Vatican is sitting on riches beyond the average person’s wildest dreams, including assets such as stocks and bonds, investments, real-estate, deposits and accounts and that’s not even counting the invaluable works of art, the gold-bathed and diamond-studded everythings, adding up to BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
Here is what the church is to do. Stat.
Humanities problems resolved.
And this is how you keep up with the motherfucking times.