Dear toy companies: Fuck you.

‘Tis the season! Beautiful season indeed, if you’re totally cool with fending mobs at the shopping mall, cat-fighting for the best sales, and blackmailing children into behaving like half-decent human beings. Lurvs.

The holiday season rolls around and I tend to feel jolly and fine. I’m no Christmas superstar or a gift-giving extraordinaire by any means (in fact, I’m quite the opposite: I’m a shitty gift-giver. There, I said it.), but I manage to enjoy the festivities anyway.

There is, however, one thing that will push me to the edge of insanity. One thing alone that can make the difference between happy mom and going postal.

Gift wrapping.

Have you seen toys lately?

Whatever happened to good ol’ squared and rectangular boxes? Tell me you, oh internets people, is it absolutely necessary to shape packages like a pagoda?  And examples like this abound! Star-shaped, semi-circular, half-mooned, strangely-angled bullcrap. Did the packaging designers even think or care how much the average parent like moi would cuss and wish them painful death? Surely they’re all young, single and childless. It’s the only explanation.

Don’t even suggest using gift bags instead of wrapping paper because there’s no tearing and ripping involved in that, and who cares about a gift if you can’t open it like a raging, rabid lunatic? Socially approved violent destruction is half the gift, imo.

Next year I’m boycotting any flashy sons of bitches that show off with inventive and innovative packaging. I’m looking at you, Mattel.

I taught a class. LIKE A BOSS.

Ok, so maybe not really a class but more of an informal get-together with fun friends. And maybe I wasn’t discussing string theory or time travel, but teaching the art of cooking beans. BEANS. Bear with me.

Beans are generally considered poor people’s food, and little do we know about the wealth of goodness they provide. Poor beans, so misunderstood by now they’re half emo.

My friends Amy and Caroline (both born and bred Canadians) had been nagging requesting I teach them how to cook beans. Unlike Mexico, beans are nowhere near a staple here in the great white North. In fact, when I volunteer at my local food bank I’m always astounded by the amounts of people who, upon being offered a bag of dry lentils, reply “Dry lentils? I wouldn’t know what to do with them.”  Whaa..?

This is a modern-day tragedy, considering they skip out on the lentils and all their fiber, folate and magnesium, but do go for the canned raviolis and sugary Kool-aid drinks. It isn’t anyone’s fault, though; it’s all just lack of information.

If I must be honest, I was more than a wee bit thrilled to have my buddies want to learn how to cook the legumes. I’m lucky to hang out with a rather health-oriented bunch of people here, and knowing they understand the benefits makes it all so rewarding.

Plus, I get to boss people around. Who doesn’t like that.

Before we start, this is a really cool link I found in which the soaking and cooking methods for beans are explained. It’s super easy! Basically, always soak your beans overnight before you cook them, and never add salt while they’re cooking; wait until they’re soft inside.

We began with a Hoppin’ John salad, recipe borrowed from the Food for Life series, by the Physicians Comitee for Responsible Medicine (PCRM).

Hoppin’ John Salad

Makes about 10 1/2-cup servings

2 cups cooked black-eyed peas

1 1/2 cups cooked brown rice

1/2 cup finely sliced green onions

1 celery stalk, thinly sliced (about 1/2 cup)

1 tomato, diced

2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh parsley

1/4 cup lemon juice

1 tablespoon olive oil

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 – 2 garlic cloves, crushed

Combine black-eyed peas, rice, green onions, celery, tomato, and parsley in a mixing bowl. In a small bowl, mix together lemon juice, oil, salt, and garlic and pour over the salad. Toss gently. Chill 1 to 2 hours if time permits.

That’s it! Super easy and full of flavor, especially from the lemon-garlic dressing.

Next, we moved on to making fava bean falafel. Disclosure: I have never tasted falafel from a restaurant, but my friends agreed that this version was much better than one they had tried at a Middle-Eastern joint. So, yay!

I used this recipe over here and made the fava bean version. The only thing I did differently is that I did cook the beans after soaking them. My mind couldn’t wrap around trying to grind and fry uncooked beans.

Delicious!

And finally, they learned how to make a Mexican lentil soup. It’s all in the recaudo poeple. THE RECAUDO.

There are as many versions to this soup as there are grandmothers in Mexico, but I’ll share with you how I do it. My kid devours this soup, and to me it’s like comfort food without any fatiness or cream. Heaven.

Mexican lentil soup- a la Caro

1 C of brown lentils

2 C of water

2 tomato

1 green bell pepper

2 small onions

tiny bit of olive oil

Place the lentils in a sauce pan with the water, heat to a boil and then lower heat. Let them cook, approximately 30 minutes (they should be soft on the inside, without turning to mush on the outside.) Check them constantly to make sure they don’t run out of water.

Make the recaudo– the sauce that will be the base of your soup and bring all the flavor to it. To make the recaudo, heat the olive oil lightly in a pan, add the tomatoes, peppers and onions cut in quarters and fry them. Once fried blend them all with a bit of water or vegetable stock. Add this liquid to the cooking lentils. Then add the oregano, cumin and chilli powder to taste. I go crazy with these spices because my family loves them, but you may want to start by adding half a teaspoon of each and gradually increase amounts until you like it.

Once the lentils are done cooking all the flavors will be meshed together beautifully. Salt to taste and enjoy.

In conclusion, beans totally rock and you should be eating them.

P.S. When I was taking the above pics outside, on my deck, my neighbor was out doing yard work. He stared at me as if wondering why the heck I was putting food on the floor and taking pictures of it. FOOD PORN. That’s why.

Over two months already?! Sheesh, don’t Mexicans take anything seriously…

Yes it’s been two months since I last posted in this space. Blogging sacrilege. Social media sin. I deserve to burn in the flames of monochromatic screen hell. Or in the very least to be vanished to an under-developed country with no internet access.

OR. I can tell you what I’ve been up to! BECAUSE YOU’RE DYING TO KNOW.

So let’s see, quick recap of the last two months:

Stephen’s dad visited us! Without telling us beforehand! Yes he showed up at our doorstep just like that! It was quite lovely, actually, because truth be told I love my FIL. I still spiraled into a cleaning-scrubbing-vacuuming hysterics frenzy regardless, but hey maybe that’s exactly what I need to keep my house clean.

He stayed with us for over two weeks and, you guys will never guess what he did.

HE FIXED THE WALL.

Yes, THE wall. My nemesis. The source of my tears and balding spots. It’s fixed!

We went from this:

To this:

Ok, so maybe I’m not showing you exactly what it looks like now (because we still have lots to do with the room) but bottom line is, the wall between my dining room and kitchen is finished. Bless the man.

Then he left and a few days later Stephen’s mom arrived! Because they like messing with my head like that. It’s like they were playing tag. Or relays. With my life. (Kidding. I love her too and it was fantastic having her)

She brought our niece with her, who is Anna’s age, and we had a blast. We dragged Stephen went everywhere! To malls and flea markets, to restaurants and boutiques, to Canada’s Wonderland and Niagara Falls. Truly a beautiful vacation.

Then it was my birthday! I turned 29 *blush* and a few days after Anna turned 10. TEN. I’m the mother of a ten-year-old child, y’all. Freaky. My favorite part of her party was when she asked her friends to follow a Mexican tradition, in which after blowing out the candles everyone chants “Mordida! Mordida!” (Bite! Bite!), the birthday girl leans forward to take a bite of cake… and everyone gets to push her face down into it! Yes us Mexicans take any innocent opportunity and turn it into a slightly violent but very fun event (piñatas, anyone?)

My friends came over for my party and I cooked a Mexican feast: Empanadas de picadillo and enchiladas suizas. We drank strawberry margaritas served from this amazing booze holder that my MIL gifted me. She knows my heart.

And we danced! Oh how we danced. It was all drink-laughter-dancing-repeat until some asshole neighbor decided it’s not ok for people to be having the time of their lives blasting loud incomprehensible Latin music at one in the morning in a generally quiet residential area. I’m just glad no one was smoking weed when the cops showed up.* Ha!

*Not that anyone that I know or have ever met would do that. Ever. Really. Really.

And I got a new job! My job is awesome and it really challenges me, which is why I love it so much. I’m a Personal Trainer!

My Zumba teacher owns his own fitness studio and he decided to offer me the job, which meant I had to get my butt in gear and begin training myself. Hence the tiny T-rex arms! And the soreness. And the pain. And the fevers. And the chills.

But all of that is behind me now. I’m doing things I didn’t think I could do before, and I’m so happy! Every day is a new chance to do something I’ve never done before, to challenge my body and discover new abilities. I never thought I’d say this, but working out has changed my life. Corny? Cheesy? Absolutely. But also very true.

And last, but most certainly not least… I’M A CANADIAN RESIDENT!

As of June 28th, my daughter and I are free to study, work, reside and live happily ever after in this beautiful country that has truly become a whole new home for me. Don’t get me wrong, Mexico is and always will be home. It’s just that now I get to have two of those. How lucky am I?

So this is it, this is how someone who really enjoys writing can go through two months straight of not doing it: by sheer power of being ohholyshit so busy, but loving every single second of it.

Salvation is free! Well not really, but close. It’s only $1.99!

By now you’ve probably heard the ingenious (note sarcasm)  new technological development of the catholic church™, which comes to us in the form of an Iphone and Ipad application. This new app is salvation… wait for it… at your fingertips!

Yes, ladies and gents. For a small sum you can buy back your soul. (Kidding–you’re never getting that one back.)

What you do get in exchange for your $1.99 is the all-wonderful Confession App.  For the non-catholic peeps out there, let me tell you how confession works: you go into a private and dimly-lit room where the priest is waiting to hear your confession. You kneel down and confess all the things you’ve done “wrong”, and I use that term lightly because, really, wrong for whom? Popular subjects brought up in confession include, but are not limited to: premarital sex, impure thoughts, cussing, and touching thy own body (because how dare you). So pretty much the simple act of being an 18 year old with hormones guarantees damnation. I must add that while you tell your stories, share your regrets and unload your guilt the priest pretends to give exactly two flying fucks about what you’re saying. Most aren’t very good at pretending. A lot don’t even try.

For some people the moment of confession is very spiritual, and they view it as the admittance of one’s faults in order to regain ease of mind and tranquility in their soul.  While I think it sad how these people still believe they need approval from and external someone who doesn’t give a shit about them to be at peace, I shall steer from that topic entirely for the time being. We have more important matters to discuss!

In case you happen to be a by-the-rules catholic and have been worrying your pretty little head about if this app is cult church-approved, fear not. Since the Confession app is SO TRANSCENDENTALLY FUNDAMENTAL TO THE WELL-BEING OF HUMANITY one bishop has been quick to bless the app.

Yes, the app is blessed. Well if that doesn’t give you peace of mind nothing else will.

I could go on and on making jokes about the app and its futility, but it has all been said under this piece written by The Guardian, in which a reader loquaciously commented, “A Catholic Church app? Does that automatically search your contacts file, and send the details of all male contacts under 18 to your priest?” Touche.

The catholic church™ assures that this is merely a way in which they are trying to keep up with ever-changing times. Well that’s where we should have started! But church, you’re doing it wrong. If you allow me, here is my little contribution to your cause pro-modernization. I will show you real ways of keeping up with the times. YOU’RE WELCOME.

WAYS IN WHICH THE CATHOLIC CHURCH SHOULD STOP FUCKING AROUND KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES         by Caro

1) Condemn and persecute those within you who abuse children.
I can’t believe we’re still arguing this one, church. Seriously? I’ll make it real simple this time.

Here is a detailed Venn diagram of the elements that contribute to children being sexually abused by priests:

Please note carefully that when priests and children, um, overlap (and pardon the disgusting, sickening pun) abuse tends to occur.

Now, here is a comprehensive and exhaustive Venn diagram with my suggested fool-proof solution:

And voi-fuckin’-la!

That wasn’t too hard now, was it? Just keep your dirty priests away from children, and abuse shall occur no more.

2) Allow the use of condoms. For everyone.
Did you know that not only prostitutes and homosexual men can get sick and/or transmit STDs?  Other kinds of people can, too! Mind-boggling, I know, but I swear on baby Jesus I’m not lying; it’s all true. Condoms have been around for 400 hundred years. Four-hundred! And as discouraging as it is that in this day and age there are still people who hang to the church’s every word to know when it’s ok to pick their nose, the church is being unfair to them and playing Russian roulette with their lives. Why is it so important to oppose the use of condoms? Because the church claims to teach sexual morality.
Now go back and read problem #1  again?

Right.

That is all.

3) Become a real and proactive example of the love for the poor.
We can fly to the moon, we investigate alternate universes and we can have religious experiences through our computer-phone… but people are still dying from simple lack of food? All the while, the Vatican is sitting on riches beyond the average person’s wildest dreams, including assets such as stocks and bonds, investments, real-estate, deposits and accounts and that’s not even counting the invaluable works of art, the gold-bathed and diamond-studded everythings, adding up to BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

Here is what the church is to do. Stat.

Humanities problems resolved.

And this is how you keep up with the motherfucking times.